THE MOST DIFFICULT DIARY I HAVE EVER WRITTEN

Tuesday morning, our big girl LC, A.K.A Suki, was playing, jumping like a crazy gal and barking growling at little Waggatail I asked her to get Waggs for me as she wouldn’t come in from the garden, LC understood this it was a game for her, and I used to play and have only played it for two weeks. Teen and Hub used to laugh as they heard me say. “Suki, go on and fetch Wagga?”  Suki would come to my side, and run in the garden, woof once and Waggs would run in. I loved it it was almost human.

 

Tuesday afternoon, Suki, put her head on my knee. I had just let her out so I knew it wasn’t that. Looking back now, she was in pain. She went to bed her Daddy came in from his time at the farm, where he was with his colleagues. I at that time was at the shop, I came in he said that he was worried about LC; he thought she was sulking as he didn’t take her because he wasn’t allowed to as it was a working farm.

 

Well, Tuesday evening she wasn’t well. Just lying around. Wednesday he left her with me. Thursday he took her to work as she picked up a little. He said she was walking around the office, as though looking back; she was saying bye bye to everyone. As when she came home on Thursday, she ignored Little Wagga and went to bed. Waggs was as disappointed as she loved her big sister coming home as they used to play and go crazy.

 

Oh that evening, it was hell. She was breathing badly and sleeping the worst thing she didn’t want her dinner.

 

Hub showed her the harness next day. Normally she would run to him and almost jump in it. Well, she wouldn’t get out of bed.

 

Hub took her to the vet near his office as that is a big vet with all of the equipment.

 

Within three hours. Our little girl was put to sleep.

 

Last Saturday, she was all around the town she was amazing as ever. Nothing bothered her. Nothing fazed her. She was our super hero.

 

Two and a half days of showing us she was ill and then gone.

 

I phoned the office to ask how she was before I learned of her death. A lady answered and told me Hub was coming home. Oh my God. I didn’t want to be on this earth at that point.

 A lovely lady who works with Hub, who to be honest has been amazing for us this year, as she took Waggs when we went on holiday and I knew she was in great hands with her, and she took Hub to the vet and now all the way home?

 

Hub had handed over LC’s harness to a colleague in the office. Knowing he would never need it again.

 

He said it was the most painful thing that he has ever had to do. He felt like he had his left arm cut off.

 

Our Guide dogs are part of us. We have a bond with them like nothing else on earth. They are our freedom and our eyes. They are not just a pet. They are us. Part of us. Hub walked through the door. I had two cups of tea ready but his colleague didn’t come in bless her. She had the long drive home.

 

I just held him and together we broke.

 

Well, I was so angry. Why couldn’t the vets save her? She had a tumour attached to her heart and it looked like it was attached  to her lungs too.

 

She was only nine 16 days before. 16 days before also was a year, on LC’s birthday, that we had to say goodbye to my Hannah A.K.A Black beauty

 

Our Suki, / LC, didn’t even reach retirement. What a cruel world we live in. She worked all of her life for us and I say us because without her, I would never ever have been able to get to the places we needed not the places we wanted to go to, but needed to. I used my white cane and our darling LC was the light that Shon for us to see our way.

 

Oh my word. Who now would do that? How will we cope? And Hub was just saying that he wanted to visit the Cathedral this Christmas and do all the Christmas music. Well, that idea is out of the window now.

 

He was to raise money for Guide Dogs at our train station near Christmas. Now with what dog? He is to do a speech in our city in a couple of weeks. Talking about Guide Dogs. He has asked me to do it for him.

It’s the character that I miss. The long swooshing tail. The long face with those enormous eyes. When Hub used to go abroad, she stayed with me. I was protected with her as no one could come to the house without her barking. She was funny, she would put her head on my leg and together we would walk around our house. It was like “I’m looking out for you Mummy. She never did it with Hub. Only me, as if I don’t know my way around my own house? But I let her do it. In her little way, she was helping me. Her head never left my leg until I said it’s OK.

 

If we were coming too close to a wall, she would push with her head me to the side.

 

Our house feels so empty. The walls are further away. The ceiling is higher and the floor is not so solid. What scares me more is how on earth are we going to cope? How will Hub get over this? He has cried all Friday and during the night, he tossed and turned.  Then after four this morning I must have fell asleep. I woke up not long after that and he wasn’t in his bed. I honestly thought that he had done something to himself. The state he was in. I jumped up; put on my dressing gown ran down stairs shouting his name.

He silently stood in the kitchen. Just still. Just so numb.

 

I put my arms around him and he sobbed. Saying “I want my little girl back Fiona. I need my little girl.”

 

Oh what to say? How to make him feel better? I’m also in so much agony. The pain in my throat is like someone is cutting it. The pain in my heart is as if it’s bruised. As for my stomach? It’s burning. My eyes are so saw like a razor has cut them and each time I close my lids, it’s like salt is being rubbed into the cuts. They are burning. They feel like they are being pulled out or squeezed from the sockets.

 

I’m angry. So angry. I’m grieving but what my love is going through is ten times worse. How on earth will he cope with going back to work?  A place he uses to take LC and have her bed under his desk? Knowing that his baby was there all day? She was the office heart and everyone loved her. My loving mad Aunt G told me today she has cried so much. My friend Vivi didn’t sleep last night and today went for her shopping but came back with only half. Her mind wasn’t on the job. She adored Suki, our Long Chops. Our friend Mr. Clock broke down when he heard the news over the phone last night. And today, our besties came. Trix and Like. Teen told me not to ask them not to come, as we would just cry all day.  He was right, our friends came. Hub and I didn’t know how we would get through the day, but we were in need of help that I couldn’t provide.  They are both Guide dog owners so understand as does our other friend JB. All our friends have been so supportive. Friends from all over the world. My Bloggets my friends on Facebook too. Such kindness we have been shown. My Niece Kerstin has even said she would come through next weekend bless her. But it isn’t just next weekend. It’s a life change. A life change we were not prepared for.

 

A lot of blind friends have Husbands or wives who can see. We are both blind. Both need our Suki back. Our best friend. Our lifeline and our darling little dog.

 

She has given all of her life. She took nothing. And when she really needed us, when she was in pain, we couldn’t even help her. The vets didn’t even try. Hub said it’s not their fault they were lovely, all I know is, I lost my Hannah last year in five days she went from her little self to death. In two and a half days, our Suki did that same thing. The vets were not able to do anything.  Our Suki had a year at least before she had to retire. Four days before her being put to sleep, she was like a one year old dog. The week before that she jumped over our friend’s wall and the week before that, she guided Hub and then I followed them through the train station as when we visited our Brother and family, no one at the station came to help, so we had to do it on our own. Well, with the help of our Suki.

 

Who will help us now? Who will take away this awful pain? I think my insides are going to burst. I need to be strong for my love. How will he cope in his office where he looks after the needs of Guide Dogs and their owners? How will he do the train stations again? So many times assistance doesn’t turn up. Suki was always there. Hotels with his business, Suki knew I know when we went to Scotland; I was with Hub for a works meeting with his old job. Suki just knew what to do. She knew it because that was what she did. She knew in the morning that she had to find the restaurant. I mean, how? I will never know.

 

She knew in meetings to lay and be quiet. When it was break times in meetings, and sometimes colleagues didn’t talk to Hub or were making their way to him and he didn’t know it at the time, he would put his hand down and there would be his faithful friend. In the bad old days when Hub travelled every week, in empty hotels full of loneliness, who was there? Not me, his wife, but our Suki.

 

No one now to make me feel secure in bed at nights when Hub away. No big beastie girl to stroke or write about no more adventures between LC and Wagga. In just over a year I have gone from BB, LC and Waggs to just our Wagga. She is also missing her big sister so much. How do I tell her? Her LC isn’t coming home. How does my body put up with this pain?